Codependants Learn to Repress their Feelings

Codependants Learn to Repress Feelings

Why is this? Could it be because they have been used to people
that were important to them getting angry, and rather than to feel the anger of their loved one, they repress what they are truly feeling?

Feelings are emotions that need to be explored. Feelings are
identified as a sensation, emotion or intuition. In the plural state,
emotions are feelings of well being, or the exact opposite, which would be negative feelings, or feelings that things aren't the way they should be.

Feelings can elicit a sense of desire within us, or emotional attraction, a sense of dread, or apprehension, a sense of fear,
or flight.

Our creator endowed us with feelings, and if they were important enough for him to create, then, they need to be important to us as well. We need to get in touch with our feelings.

Repression is the exact opposite of getting in touch. If we have been conditioned to hide what we feel, from those around us, for fear of rejection or condemnation, we begin to loose contac with a very vital part of ourselves.

Feelings are a vital part of our emotional makeup that help to guide us. They alert us to danger, and signal when we are in pain, either physically, emotionally or spiritually.

When a feeling comes to us, we need to analyze it, and engage the brain, in how to respond to what we are feeling. If we shut down that feeling without dealing with it approaitly, we are in fact shutting down a vital process of which we have been given to help process information, and guide us in life situations.

Most of the following information was taken from the book written by Melodie Beatie,
titled Co-Dependant No More.

This is taken from chapter 13, Feel Your Own Feelings

When I repress my emotions, my stomach keeps score ~ John Powell

"I used to facilitate groups to help people deal with their feelings,"
says the wife of an alcoholic. "I used to openly express my emotions. Now, after eight years in this relationship, I couldn't tell you what I was feeling if my life
depended upon it.

As Codependants, we loose touch with the emotional part of ourselves. Sometimes we withdraw emotionally to avoid being crushed. Being emotionally vulnerable is dangerous. Hurt piles on hurt, and no one seems to care.It becomes safer to go away. We become overloaded with pain, so we short-circuit to protect ourselves.

We may withdraw emotionally from certain people - people we think may hurt us.We don't trust them, so we hide the emotional part of us when we are around them.
Sometimes we feel forced to withdraw our emotions. Family systems,suffering from the effects of alcoholism and other disorders reject emotional honesty and at times appear to demand dishonesty.

Consider our attempts to tell a drunk how we felt about him or her smashing up the car, ruining the birthday party, or throwing up on our bed. Our feelings may provoke unpleasant reactions in others, such as anger. Expressing our feelings may even be dangerous to our physical well being, because they rock the family boat.

Even families that have no history of alcoholism reject feelings. "Don't feel that way. That feeling is inappropaite.IN fact, don't even feel", may be the message we hear. We quickly learn that our feelings don't count, that our feelings are somehow wrong.Our feelings are not listened to, so we quit listening to them too.

It may appear easier at times to not feel. We have so much responsibility, because we have taken on so much responsibility for the people around us. We must do what is necessary anyway. Why take the time to heal? What would it change?

Sometimes we try to make our feelings disappear, because we are afraid of them. To acknowledge how we really feel would demand a decision -action or change- on
our part. It would bring us face to face with reality. We would become aware of what we are thinking, what we want, and what we need to do. And wer're not ready to do that yet.

Codependants are oppressed, depressed and repressed.Many of us can quickly tell what someone else is feeling, why that person is feeling that way, how long they
have felt that way, and what that person is probably going to do because of that feeling. Many of us spend our lives fussing about someone else's feelings. We try to control other peoples feelings. We don't want to hurt people, we don't want to upset them, and we don't want to offend them. We feel so responsible for other peoples feelings. Yet, we don't know what we are feeling. If we do, we don't know what to do to fix ourselves.Many of us have abandoned or never taken responsibililty for our emotional selves.

Just how important are feelings anway? Before I answer that question, let me tell you about when I was in treatment for chemical dependency in 1973, I was faced with kicking a 10 year habit of adiction of alcohol, heroin, dilaudid, morphone, methadone, cocaine, barbiturate, amphetamine, marijuana, and any other substance that even remotely promised to change the way I felt.

When I asked my counselor, how to do this, she said, "Deal with your feelings,"
She also suggested that I attend AA. I did start dealing with my emotions. It felt terrible at first. I had emotional explosions that I thought would blow the top of my head off, but it worked. I experienced my first days and months of soberiety.
Then it came time to leave treatment.I was faced with the unlikely prospect of having to fit myself into society. I had no resume: it can be difficult for a herion addict to find and maintain gainful employment. I had to discontinue my relations with everyone I knew, because all of them used chemicals.

My family was skeptical about my recovSomery and still understandably peeved about
some of the things I had done. Generally I had left a trail of destruction and chaos behind me, and I didn't think there was any place in society for me.My life stretched ahead of me, and it held little promise. At the same time, my counselor was telling me to go ahead and start living. Again I asked her how I should go about doing that.
She again replied, "Keep dealing with your feelings." Go to AA and everything will be ok.

It seemed a bit simplistic to me, but I didn't have much choice. Amazingly, and thanks to the help of a Higher Power, it's worked so far. I got into deep water with my codependancy when I thought myself too sophisticated to deal wtih feelings.

Feelings are not the end all and be all to living.Feelings must not dictate or control our behaviors, but we can't ignore our feelings either. They won't be ignored.

Our feelings are very important.They count. They matter. They emotional part of us is special. It we make feelings go away, if we push them away, we loose an important part of us and our lives.Feelings are our source of joy, as well as sadness, fear, and anger.The emotional part of us is the part that laughs as well as cries. The emotional part of us is the center for giving and receiving the warm glow of love. That part of us lets us feel close to people. That part of uslets us enjoy touch and other sensual feelings.

Our feelings are also indicators. When we feel happy, comfortable, warm, and content, we usually know all is well in our world, for the present moment. When we fel uncomfortable with anger, fear or sadness, our feelings are telling us there's a problem. The problem may be inside us-something we're doing or thinking - or it may be external. But something is going wrong.

Feelings can be positive motivators too. Anger can motivate us to solve a bothersome problem. Fear encourages us to run from danger. Repeated hurt and emotional pain tell us to stay away.

Our feelings can also provide us with clues to ourselves; our desires, wants, and ambitions. They help us discover ourselves, what we are really thinking.Our emotions also tap into that deep part of us that seeks and knows truth, and desires self-preservation, self enhancement, safety, and goodness. Our emotions are connected to our conscious, cognitive thought process and to that mysterious gift called instinct or intuition.

There is however a darker side to emotions. Emotional pain hurts. It can hurt so badly we think all we are or ever will be is our emotional part. Pain and sadness can linger. Ear can be a stopper; it can prevent us from doing the things we want and need to do to live our lives.

Sometimes we can get stuck in emotions - trapped in a well of a certain dark feeling - and think we'll never get out. anger can fester into resentments and
bitterness and threaten to linger indefinitely. Sadness can turn into depression,
almost smothering us. Some of us live with fear for long periods of time.

Our feelings can trick us too. Our emotions can lead us into situations whwere our heads tell us not to go. Sometimes feelings are like cotton candy; they appear to
be more than they actually are.

In spite of the darker side of emotions - there is an even bleaker picture if we
choose to become unemotional. Not feeling our feelings, withdrawing emotionally, and pushing that part of us away can be unpleasant, unhealthy, and self- destructive.

repressing or denying feelings can lead to headaches, stomach disorders, backaches, and generally weakened physical conditions which can open the door to many illnesses. Repressing feelings - particularly if we are doing it during the denial stage of the grief process - can lead us into trouble with overeating,
undereating, alcohol and other drug use, compulsive sexual behaviors, compulsive spending, not sleeping enough, sleeping too much, obsessing, controlling gesutres, and other compulsive behaviors.

Feelings are energy. Repressed felings block our energy. We don't do our best when we're blocked.

Another problem with repressed feelings is they don't go away. They linger, sometimes growing stronger and causing us to do many peculiar things. We
have to stay one step ahead of the feeling, we have to stay busy, we have to do
something. We don't dare get quiet and peaceful because we might then feel
these emotions. And the feeling might squeak out anyway, causing us to do something we never intended to do: scream at the kids, kick the cat, spill on
our favorite dress, or cry at the party. We get stuck in feelings because we're trying
to repress them, and like a persistent neighbor, they will not go away untill we
acknowledge their presence.

The big reason for not repressing feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us
to lose our positive feelings. We lose the ability to feel. Sometimes, this may be a
welcome relief if the pain becomes too great or too constant, but this is not a good
plan for living. We may shut down our deep needs - our need to love and be loved -
when we shut down our emotions. We may lose our ability to enjoy sex, the human
touch. We lose the ability to feel close to people, otherwise known as initmacy. We lose our capacity to enjoy the pleasant things in life.

We lose touch with ourselves and our environment. We are no longer in touch with our instincts. We become unaware of what our feelings are telling us and any problems in our environment. We lose the motivating power of feelings. If we aren't feeling, we're probably not examining the thinking that goes with it, and we don't know what our selves are telling us. And if we don't deal with our feelings we don't change and we don't grow. We stay stuck.

Feelings might not always be a barral of gladness, but repressing them can be
downright miserable. So what's the solution? What do we do with these pesky feelings that seem to be both a burden and a delight?

We feel them. We can feel. It's okay to feel our feelings,. It's okay for us to have
feelings - all of them. I'ts even okay for men to feel. Feelings are not wrong.
They're not inapproaiate. We don't need to feel guilty about feelings. Feelings are not acts; feeling homicidal rage is entirely different thatn committing homicide.
Feelings shouldn't be judged as either good or bad. Feelings are emotional energy; they are not personality traits.

People say there are hundreds of different feelings, ranging from peeved to miffed to exuberant to delighted and so on. Some therapists have cut the list to four: mad, sad, glad, and scared. These are the four primary feeling groups, and all the rest are shades and variations of the scared theme; tickled pink and happy would qualify as glad. You can call them whatever you want; the important idea is to feel them.

That dosen't mean we have to always be on guard for one feeling or the other. It dosen't mean we have to devote an exrtraordinary amount of our lives to wallowing in emotional muck. If means if a feeling - emotional energy - comes our way, we need to feel it. We take a few momemtns, acknowledge the sensation, and move on to the next step. We don't censor. We don't block. We don't run from . We don't tell ourselves, "don't feel that. Something must be wrong with me. " We don't pass judgement on ourselves for our feelings. We experience them. We allow the energy to pass through our bodies, and we accept it as being our emotional energy, our feeling. We say, "Okay".

Next, we do that mystical thing so many people refer to as "dealing with our feelings." We appropriately respond to our emotion. We examine the thoughts that go with it, and we accept them without repression or censorship.

Then, we decide whether there is a next step. This is where we do our judging. This is where our moral code comes into play. We still don't judge ourselves for haveing the feeling. We decide what, if anything, we want to do about the feeling and the accompanying thought. We evaluate the situation, then choose a behavior in line with our moral code and our new ideal of self-care. Is there a problem we need to solve? Is our thinking off base? We may need to correct certain disaster -oriented thought patterns, such as: "I feel horribly afraid and sad because the car broke down, and it's the end of the world." It would be more accurate to say: "I feel sad that the car is broken." Is the problem something we can solve? Does it concern another person? Is it necessary or appropriate to discuss the feeling with that person? If so,
when? Perhaps it is sufficient to merely feel the emotion and acknowledge the thought> If you are in doublt about what action to take, if the feeling is particularly
strong, of if the action you decide to take is radical, I suggest waiting a day or so,
until you are peaceful and your mind is consistent. In other words: detach.

Our feelings don't need to control us. Just because we're angry, we don't have to scream and hit. Just because we're sad or depressed, we don't have to lie in bed all day. Just because we're scared, doesen't mean we don't apply for that job. I am not in any way implying or suggesting we allow our emotions to control our behaviors. IN fact, what I am saying is the opposite: if we don't feel our feelings and deal with them responsibly, they will control us. If we are dealing with our emotions responsibly, we submit them to our intellect, our reason, and our moral and behavirial code of ethics.

Responding appropriately to our feelings also means we are liable for our feelings. Each person's feeling are his or her own. Nobody makes anyone feel; no one is ultimately resonsible for our feelings except us, no matter how much we insist they are. People might help us feel, but they don't make us feel. People also cannot change the way we feel. Only we can do that. Furthermore, we are not responsible for anyone else's feelings, although we are responsible for choosing to be considerate of people's feelings. Responsible people choose to do that, at times.
However, most codependents choose to overdo that. We need to be considerate of our feelings, too. Our feelings are reactions to life's circumstances. thus, etiquette requires that when you discuss a feeling with someone, you say," i feel such and such when you do such and such because.... "not" you made me feel...."

However, we may want to make another dedicion about how to deal with our feelings. This is especially true if we are consistently reacting to someone's
behavior with a great deal of emotional dsitress, and even after reporting this distress to the perons he or she continues causing us pain. Maybe you don't need that much help to feel. Remember, feelings are indicators and motivators.
Watch for patterns in our feelings. They tell us a great deal about ourselves and our relationships.

Sometimes, dealing with feelings means a change of thinking is needed. Many therapies acknowledge a direct correlation between what we think and what we feel. There is a connection. What we think, influences how we feel. Sometimes inaccuratem, overactive, or inappropriate thought patterns cause our emotions to cause them to remain longer than necessary. If we think something is awful, we'll
call this disaster thinking. That's why it is important, after we feel our emotions, to examine our thinking. Get it out in the light. If it's inapproopriate, then we know what we have to do to solve our problem, don't we?

There are times when we may need to discuss our feelings and thoughts with other people. It is not healthy to live our lives in isolation. Sharing the emotional part of us with others creates closeness and intimacy. Also, being accepted byt someone else for being who we are helps us accept ourselves. This is always a marvelous experience. Sometimes, we may want to discuss things with a friend who will just listen, while we air things and try to figure out what's going on. Things we lock inside can get too big and too powerful. Letting them out in the air makes them smaller. We gain perspective. It's always fun to share the pleasant feelings too: the joys, the successes, the "tickled - pinks." And if we want an intimate relationship with someone, we need to discuss our persistent feelings with him or her. It's called emotional honesty.

Caution; intense happy feelings can be as distracting and scary as intense sad feelings, especially to codependants who are not used to happy feelings, according to Scott Egleston. Many codependants believe happy feeling must always be followed by sad feelings, because that is the way it had usually happened in the past. Some codependants believe we can't, shouldn't and don't deserve to fel happy. Sometimes we do things to create sad feelings after experincing happy feelings, or whenever the possiblity of a happy feeling exists. It's okay to feel happy. It's okay to feel sad. Let the emotional energy pass through, and strive for peace and balance.

There are times when we may need professional help to deal with our emotions. If we are stuck in any particular feeling we should give ourselves what we need. See a counselor, a therapist, a psychoanalyst, or a clergy person. Take care of ourselves. We deserve it. We may also want to seek professional help if we've been repressing feelings for a long period of time or if we suspect what we've been repressing is intense.

Sometime, it just takes only a little practice and awareness to awaken the emotional part of us. The following things help me get in touch with my feelings; physical exercise, writing letters I don't intend to send, talking to people I feel safe with, and spending quiet time in meditation. We need to make awareness of ourselves a habit. We need to pay attention to the "shouldn't feel that way" attitudes we tell ourselves; we need to pay attention to our level of comfortableness; we need to listen to what we're thinking and saying and the tone of voice we use; we need to keep an eye on what we're doing. We will find our way to and through our emotions, a way that works for us.

We need to invite emotions into our lives. Then make a commitment to take gentle, loving care of them. Feel our feelings. Trust our feelings and trust ourselves. We are wiser than we think.

Activity

1. Read through your journal writings. What emotions were squeaking or pouring our as you wrote?

2. Let's play a "what if" game. What is you could be feeling anything you wanted right now, and feeling that way wouldn't make you a bad person. What would you be feeling? Write about it.

3. Find someone who is safe, a good listener, accepting, and non rescuing, and betgin honestly and openly discussing your feelings with that person. Listen to that person's feeling without judgement or caretaking gestures. This is nicem, isn't it?
If you don't know anybody you feel safe doing that with, join a support group.